Friday, July 24, 2009

The answer's out there somewhere....

I am going to point out the obvious here and say "Woohoo it's Friday!"
Please listen to one of my new fav songs while you read through this

I don't think I could've handled a single more day of work this week. Boy has it been a tough one. Mentally, and emotionally, I feel spent. Physically, the running has kept my body feeling good. I can never give up running for this reason. The sweat, the endorphins, being outdoors and feeling free.... I am digressing.

I had a mini breakdown on Wed night. My quarter-life crisis had turned into a full blown mid-life crisis. If that's even possible. Who knows. Truthfully, I don't even know why I am writing this for the entire world to read, but I find something strangely therapeutic in it. It's got nothing to do with running/training, so feel free to skip over it, but even if there is just one person out there who reads and sympathizes with me, it'll probably make my day :)

To sum it up in one short sentence, I feel stuck. Stuck between my rational head and my passionate heart. They tell me two different things.
I'm just not where I want to be right now. My job isn't challenging enough anymore. I'm one of those rare breeds of people who want to be pushed, challenged, reach above and beyond, and pour my heart and soul into everything I do. Maybe that's why I love running. I don't like my living situation. I always imagined I would have my own sophisticated little apartment, where I would come home, cook, listen to some music and drink some wine. Instead, I live with swines. (notice the rhyme; I tried pretty hard) They are so dirty. I pay over $850 to share a house with 4 people. The crappy situation is not worth the $$. They have not ran the dishwasher in over 2 months, vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the kitchen, taken out the trash, or cleaned the hamster cage in the living room that stinks like nothing else. I do all that, and I try hard not to, but I can't help but resent it.
I love living in CA, but it's never been my intent to make it my final destination. I've lived here for over 5 years now, and I really feel like I've seen everything this town has to offer me. I need something new. I need a new challenge, a new location, a new something. It's this feeling that's been building up for some time now, and on Wed, the feeling just took over my body. It was this real, gut feeling, a visceral, deep, raw feeling, made my heart beat faster, and I just kind of had a mini breakdown. A breakdown because I'm too scared to chase those things. Too scared to leave my comfort zone. Too scared to move, to leave James, to leave the beach and the mountains. I'm scared, cause in this economy, will I even find a new job if I moved? My brain tells me I must be crazy, but my heart tells me I must be crazy to stay. And on top of that, I need to move in a month, which will be my third move in 14 months. And in 4 more months, I might need to move again. It's so stressful; packing, finding a place, moving, all the while working and training. When is this going to end?
And at the end of December, I face a HUGE juncture in my life. I will have finished my contract with my current job. It will be decision time then. I'm so terrified and excited at the same time. I don't know what I'm gonna go.

Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. OK. It's all down on paper/screen. I feel better now. Sorry if you had to read all that. I don't even know if I am making sense. But taking the thoughts out of my head into words I can see on the screen is quite cathartic. Sorry to unload onto all of you, but thanks, cause it feels good.

Moving on. Wed evening was 16+ miles bike ride. My bike is making all these weird noises and rattles like nothing else. Must go get it checked out. Thurs evening was weights. It was a pretty pathetic workout, cause I was tired, and was trying not to get too tired for my run today. Also, I was gassy, and that can cause some embarrassing moments at the gym, esp when doing any sort of abs work or stretching. I am not going to elaborate, as I am sure you can all imagine quite well what I mean :P. haha.

Today is 5 miler, I'm hoping I might make it just a little longer if my legs feel up to it.
Running is definitely keeping me sane through all this. As is this blog, as silly as it sounds.
Kind of a heavy post today; I feel kinda naked and exposed, but I'm hanging in there. I know the answer's out there somewhere, somewhere between the sweat, the asphalt, and my running shoes.

Happy Friday!


  1. "I'm one of those rare breeds of people who want to be pushed, challenged, reach above and beyond, and pour my heart and soul into everything I do." Those words could have been written by me. I think we all go through these ruts, and in this economy it is TOUGH...

    FYI, sounds like you are having a rough time. You may want to sheck out my page today... ;)

  2. Oh my goodness. Empathy is what I have. Sheer, genuine empathy.

  3. I know how you feel and that is a hard place to be in. :( I added you to my google reader so now I can stay updated :) PS check out my blog in like 20 minutes. perhaps you won a gift :)

  4. Firstly , loved the song ;)

    and Secondly, I know where you are coming from ... I feel the same way about my job and living situation (although I do admit yours is a lot stinkier from that description than mine) ... but your right ... the answer is somewhere between the sweat, the asphalt, and my running shoes. Your runs will get you through! YOU ARE ONE STRONG TOUGH CHIC THAT CAN DO ANYTHING SHE SETS HER MIND TOO AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!

    and Thirdly, I leave you with some D.H. Lawrence ...

    “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.”

    Sending you POSITIVE VIBES from the East Coast!

  5. ps can you email me ( so I can get your address?! YAY

  6. I think at one point or another we all feel this way. I would say go ahead and try something new. It will be a crazy adventure, you may find a new passion, find a new strength or things may not work out as planned, however never going after something because you are too comfortable may be a regret.

    Five years ago I was 26 about to get married, bored with my job, sick of New England winters, I wanted to experience something new. Matt and I talked, took a week off to explore North Carolina (March of '04) came back, made a plan, he moved down in August, we got married in September, Matt found a job in October, put our condo for sale, gave my two weeks, got a job in November, moved into our new house in March and we have never been happier with out decision. Funny how things come full circle. Our second adventure and best decision of our lives came about a year later when we adopted Morgan from Kazakhstan! There are times when you just have to do it and take a chance.

  7. Be warned. This is going to be a long comment.

    1. Girl everything you typed is so relateabel. We have all been there. Your twenties can be a very tough time. I am coming up on the end of mine and I still don't have all the answers.

    2. I totally had that quarter life crisis and made it out. I'm not gonna lie and say now everything is perfect, but I will say that you will make it through and be stronger b/c of it.

    3. The best time to look for a job is when you have a job. Start looking now. Keep your options open you never know what is going to pop up. Think back to other difficult times in your life. Did they turn out ok? I am guessing that they did. Know that this will too.

    4. You seem like a positive gal and keep staying positive. What you put out you get back.

    5. Our lives don't always turn out the way we pictured when we were small but that's ok. It's all about the journey.

  8. GIIIIIIIIIRL! I totally feel you! It's a stinky place we're in right now and it never seems like there's an end in sight (really, is there? because that's what I keep hearing). In this economy, you are lucky to have a job, but if it's at the risk of your mental health, than why subject yourself to it? And awful roommates are one thing you definitely want to rid yourself of, they are a nightmare and just bring your mental health down more. I think you should follow your heart and get out there to Hawaii come January 2010 when your contract is done. I know it's easier said than done because I've been wanting to come to California for a couple years now and am still on the East Coast, but if it makes you feel better than I'll come out there at the same time and we'll both start fresh! Haha, but really, it is scary and stinky, but it's good that you've got your support online and can write things out like this. Writing always helps me, so keep hitting the pavement and the keyboard! Besides, the blogging world seems to like you VERY much! Two more winnings in one day, and already won shoes?! Spread the luck!

    But really, take a deep breath, have some wine, and unwind tonight. You deserve it!

  9. I just moved into a house for about the same price and # of roommates. living in the city is expensive! although the house is gorgeous and pretty clean, so I definitely got lucky there. and we don't have a hamster. that helps. I feel you on the moving thing - it takes SUCH A TOLL on you. finding the place is the hardest part. :/ I think it sounds like you are ready for a new location! And hey, you have plenty of time to figure that out :)

    go get that wine, find somewhere to relax, and breath deep. I hope the run helps too!!

  10. Being 44 years old...I've had a few of these "episodes" and they do have your running and your intelligence and since I haven't moved all over, I kind of envy your independence and ability to pack up and see and experience so many different things in a small amount of time. GO girl!

  11. I can sympathize with you..I was there just 15 years ago and it was the worst part of my life.. Isnt it great what a run can do for you? Hang in there it will get better.. Change is always scarry but it is alot of fun and exciting too..

  12. New to your blog, (great blog BTW) but I thought I would just leave you a quick comment. Your 20's are a time to make bold moves. It sounds like you are ready, go for it and don't look back!

  13. Hang in there, girl! :D
    Just like you, I am the type who wants challenge from a job so I'm also keeping my options open career-wise. Stay positive, keep on running, and start looking for other options while you still have a job. Also remember that no matter how sucky your current situation is, things change. Good luck!

  14. I'm sorry hun! It sucks being our age. Stuck between the point of finding jobs, homes, places to live, trying to figure out what you wanna do with your life. Its SOOO stressful. And this is supposed to be the FUN part... Anyways, i can relate. If you need a friend or need to vent, shoot me an email! :)

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  16. One of the first sayings I posted on my blog is one that I heard many years ago in the midst of difficult times: "The obstacle is the path." It is a Zen saying and at the time I thought it was trite and a cliche. Now, however, I have come to realize that the journey is the destination. It is up to us to maximize it, enjoy it, live it. Every day is the first day of the rest of our lives. Now that I am older (40+), I realize that we are fortunate to have such choices to make, and the lives we live. Good luck facing it, and remember it will all work.
    Btw -- I thought the song would be "Is This It?" by the Strokes...

  17. Hang in there. I hear you on feeling into a rut. Moving from a job that isn’t challenging to a home that isn’t clean would make anyone frustrated.

    (BTW, loved the song)

  18. I just found your awesome blog. I like the honesty in your writing. I hope you decide to move to Hawaii. It sounds like it is your dream and your are still young and free. Good luck with your moving situation and the running. I'm going to follow your blog. You have been giving me a good laugh.:)



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