I am going to point out the obvious here and say "Woohoo it's Friday!"
Please listen to one of my new fav songs while you read through this
I don't think I could've handled a single more day of work this week. Boy has it been a tough one. Mentally, and emotionally, I feel spent. Physically, the running has kept my body feeling good. I can never give up running for this reason. The sweat, the endorphins, being outdoors and feeling free.... I am digressing.
I had a mini breakdown on Wed night. My quarter-life crisis had turned into a full blown mid-life crisis. If that's even possible. Who knows. Truthfully, I don't even know why I am writing this for the entire world to read, but I find something strangely therapeutic in it. It's got nothing to do with running/training, so feel free to skip over it, but even if there is just one person out there who reads and sympathizes with me, it'll probably make my day :)
To sum it up in one short sentence, I feel stuck. Stuck between my rational head and my passionate heart. They tell me two different things.
I'm just not where I want to be right now. My job isn't challenging enough anymore. I'm one of those rare breeds of people who want to be pushed, challenged, reach above and beyond, and pour my heart and soul into everything I do. Maybe that's why I love running. I don't like my living situation. I always imagined I would have my own sophisticated little apartment, where I would come home, cook, listen to some music and drink some wine. Instead, I live with swines. (notice the rhyme; I tried pretty hard) They are so dirty. I pay over $850 to share a house with 4 people. The crappy situation is not worth the $$. They have not ran the dishwasher in over 2 months, vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the kitchen, taken out the trash, or cleaned the hamster cage in the living room that stinks like nothing else. I do all that, and I try hard not to, but I can't help but resent it.
I love living in CA, but it's never been my intent to make it my final destination. I've lived here for over 5 years now, and I really feel like I've seen everything this town has to offer me. I need something new. I need a new challenge, a new location, a new something. It's this feeling that's been building up for some time now, and on Wed, the feeling just took over my body. It was this real, gut feeling, a visceral, deep, raw feeling, made my heart beat faster, and I just kind of had a mini breakdown. A breakdown because I'm too scared to chase those things. Too scared to leave my comfort zone. Too scared to move, to leave James, to leave the beach and the mountains. I'm scared, cause in this economy, will I even find a new job if I moved? My brain tells me I must be crazy, but my heart tells me I must be crazy to stay. And on top of that, I need to move in a month, which will be my third move in 14 months. And in 4 more months, I might need to move again. It's so stressful; packing, finding a place, moving, all the while working and training. When is this going to end?
And at the end of December, I face a HUGE juncture in my life. I will have finished my contract with my current job. It will be decision time then. I'm so terrified and excited at the same time. I don't know what I'm gonna go.
Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. OK. It's all down on paper/screen. I feel better now. Sorry if you had to read all that. I don't even know if I am making sense. But taking the thoughts out of my head into words I can see on the screen is quite cathartic. Sorry to unload onto all of you, but thanks, cause it feels good.
Moving on. Wed evening was 16+ miles bike ride. My bike is making all these weird noises and rattles like nothing else. Must go get it checked out. Thurs evening was weights. It was a pretty pathetic workout, cause I was tired, and was trying not to get too tired for my run today. Also, I was gassy, and that can cause some embarrassing moments at the gym, esp when doing any sort of abs work or stretching. I am not going to elaborate, as I am sure you can all imagine quite well what I mean :P. haha.
Today is 5 miler, I'm hoping I might make it just a little longer if my legs feel up to it.
Running is definitely keeping me sane through all this. As is this blog, as silly as it sounds.
Kind of a heavy post today; I feel kinda naked and exposed, but I'm hanging in there. I know the answer's out there somewhere, somewhere between the sweat, the asphalt, and my running shoes.